We’ve Got Your Back: Ways To Avoid Being A Cafe Douchebag


Weve Got Your Back: Ways To Avoid Being A Cafe Douchebag

Cafes serve as our internet oasis while on the road. I’ve often found myself infused with copious amounts of coffee in order to let my Facebook crew know I survived my last ramblings. Even more so, hours pass updating the ol’ travel blog on the latest Asian weirdness I happened to ingest while on said ramblings. I usually keep to myself, buy my coffees, and usually make small talk with the baristas to pass the time.

I’m not a douchebag. At least, I don’t think I am. We’ve all come across those people and sent a raised eyebrow in their direction – Dude, really? Carlos, over at Matador, breeches this subject by asking “Is there such a thing as a café douchebag?” Yeah. Their totally is.

He asked a barista about some of the “douchebaggery” she has seen in her days behind the bar. Keep in mind this is what NOT to do:

  1. Someone came around behind the counter and loaded up their drink with all kinds of specialty toppings meant for the more expensive drinks, things like Andes mints or crushed Heath bar.
  2. A couple used the coffee shop as a meeting place for their affair, even though they also came in with their spouses at other times. They would call the cafe and ask us to give their “partner” a message if they couldn’t come or were going to be late.
  3. A guy came in, didn’t order anything, totally destroyed the one-stall unisex bathroom, put a $5 bill in the tip jar, and left without saying a word.

I’d like to add a few on my own to the list:

  1. Loud Skyper. No one wants to hear about anything you have to say to whomever you’re talking with. No one is that cool.
  2. Belcher. This isn’t a medieval pub and you’re not drinking moonshine, either. Bodily functions that involve anyone other than the perpetrator, in any way, shape, or form, is uncool.
  3. Setting up shop. In no way is it permissible to spread the contents of your pack over three tables.

That being said, it’s not in my nature, Carlos’ either, to cry foul and not give you alternatives to better yourself. Let’s call this– for the sake of extending our douche-centered vocabulary — our ways to de-douschify yourself the next time you enter a cafe on your travels. You’ve got no more excuses, people.

  1. Tip the staff. Consider it paying rent… and web access.
  2. Buy something other than just the cheapest possible thing on the menu.
  3. Don’t bring in your own food. You don’t bring a cooler to the local tavern, do you?
  4. Be friendly. Keep in mind, fellas, those baristas are usually pretty cute, too.
  5. Bus your table. It’s a common courtesy.

[Photo by: ash-villain/Flickr]



Published on October 06, 2010

  • http://www.jonathancampion.wordpress.com Jonathan Campion

    Love it! But you spelled douchebag wrong in the title…

    J.

  • jon

    You have a limited amount of mulligans, Stabile!

  • TheExpeditioner

    Ha, well I do have my bag and books spread out on the next computer next to me, so you've got me. However, there is also a dog sleeping under that chair and I'm the only one in Siem Reap that seems to be blogging at 10:30 a.m., so I think I should get a pass.