Top 5 Requirements For A Nude Beach

Thursday, December 29, 2011

5 Requirements For A Nude Beach

If there’s one thing in this world that’s true, it’s this: Germans love getting naked.

So much so, apparently, Florida believes marketing its beaches directly to this supposed demographic of buttock-bearing Europeans will boost the state’s tourism during slower months.

According to The Sydney Morning Herald, an advertising campaign to attract nudist Germans is currently in the conceptual stages, which begs the question: What does the average nudist look for in a prospective holiday destination?

1) Nature

Lots of nature — that’s what this whole naked business is all about really. Getting back to where we came from and being close to the earth. Or something like that. An unspoilt location has to be a major pull for would-be nakies, while a video game arcade and bumper cars are probably not high on the list of priorities. Indeed, the prospect of bare flesh, carnival rides and colliding vehicles is less than wholesome.

2) Shower Access

It’s a matter of health and safety really. Sand in you sandwiches is one thing. Sand when it has access to human orifices is quite another. Without a quick sluice before rejoining the garment-wearing world, that stuff is going to chafe something chronic.

3) Free Sunscreen

Appendages not traditionally accustomed to UV exposure may react negatively if not adequately provisioned for with lots of factor 50. Sizzling chipolatas should remain strictly confined to the BBQ.

4) A Law of Nakedness

Everyone has to be naked. It’s no good letting some people in with clothes on as this could attract “watchers” and, perhaps slightly less sinister but equally problematic, teenagers who fancy a good laugh.

5) A Ban on Bicycle Riding

Why anyone would be trying to cycle on the beach in the first place is questionable, however, the risk should be elimated entirely with sanctions that prohibit such an activity. Naked volleyball? Sure, but there is absolutely nothing okay with seeing someone negotiating a set of handlebars and a bike saddle without any clothes on.


Conversely, it isn’t the first time that Germans with a penchant for letting things hang out and waggle around have been identified as a potential cash cow. Back in 2008, a German airline launched the idea of chartering naked flights, where it would be compulsory for passengers to travel sans clothing.

Despite a huge level of interest, and an overwhelming willingness by the populous to fork out extortionate fares for the privilege of perusing the in-flight mag wearing only their birthday suit, the initiative failed to come into fruition.

Looks like Florida it is then.

By Hannah Bowman


About the Author

HannahBowmanBioPicA restless Brit with big dreams and limited cash flow, Hannah is an English graduate and former Publicist who has spent the past 18 months living and working in Central America. You can follow her wanderings at

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