Exclusive: Airlines Attempt To Improve Industry By Purchasing Rainbows And Hiring Unicorns

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

It’s really no secret that the airlines have perfected the art of gauging, devaluing the passenger, and poetic complacency. Perfected in the most beautiful sense. For example, how often have you tolerated the unpredictable ebb and flow of prices, paid far too much for a flight, endured the meaningless airline traditions (the small end goes into the big end) and then wedged yourself into a toddler-sized seat between two people that could be members of the New York Giant’s offensive line? Experience indicates the answer: every time you fly.

The brains behind it all are likely sitting back, feet crossed on a mahogany desk, conducting their symphony of suspended belief. It’s a beautiful composition of deferring passenger hatred by releasing tasty little morsels of harmony with pinpoint precision —  just enough information about airline modernization to seem believable, just the right amount of dreamy looking cabin photographs, and all released at just the right time. This work of art climaxes into a flawless creation of fabricated innovation that the Xanax-riddled public salivates for. Unless you happen to live in the fictitious country Jimmy from accounting created to advertise the first order of 397 Cloudliner Sky-Limos, you will no doubt believe all that empty incredible innovation will come to an airport near you — and soon, very soon.

But it won’t. None of the hypersonic, supersonic, dream, or superjumbo-anything will make it anywhere, much less your way, anytime soon. And therein lies the beauty. Here’s to you airline industry for giving us vapor to believe in. You’ve given us hope that we can tolerate the debacle of modern-day flying until we are all boarding planes on rainbows and sitting in unicorn saddles for the three-minute Trans-Pacific flights.

I have only imagined how pleasurable my economy class seat will be in one of the many incredible new models of aircraft that are due to take the skies soon, according to the Sydney Morning Herald. The cavity searches you experienced in security will fade from your memory when you and about 524 of your friends squish relax under the calming LED lights installed in the body of the Boeing 787 Dreamliner. Just imagine . . .

This author will happily keep forking over double, sometimes triple, what he should to keep these brilliant dreams of enjoyable air travel well beyond our reach. Otherwise, how else would you tolerate your next flight?

[Luxurious business class seats in the new Boeing 787 Dreamliner by mya/Flickr]

By Jon Wick


About the Author

Jon lives in Butte, Montana, spending most of his time on skis or bikes; sometimes both. He began travel writing while teaching in Korea and is currently pursuing his Master’s Degree in Technical Communication at Montana Tech. Jon has begun writing his first book, A Trip Worth Dieing For, whose movie rights are still (very) available. Catch more of Jon at TheJonWickproject.wordpress.com. (@ExpedJon)

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